Lord of the Things
by AIR1
Summary: What if Tolkien hadn't chosen rings for LOTR? LOTT is a retelling of the story, substituting the rings with something much darker and much more evil. Please, read and review!


Lord of the Things  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even a car.  
  
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"One Thing to rule them all. . .and so on," spoke an old but firm voice.  
  
"What's the rest of it, Gandalf?" said Frodo, a wise Baggins, son of Drogo.  
  
"Eh," Gandalf grunted, struggling to recall the rest of the rhyme. "Can't remember. Can't remember. . ." he said slowly.  
  
Frodo stared in shock into Gandalf's old, withered eyes. "You can't remember? That's not like you, Gandalf."  
  
"I know," said Gandalf. Frodo sat silently, and all of Bag End seemed to silence with him. Outside, the wind ceased its howling, and the singing of hobbits from a nearby tavern stopped abruptly. All the sounds of the night ceased suddenly. It was as if the whole of Middle-Earth was aware of Gandalf's lapse of memory, was shocked by it, and then silenced in anticipation, awaiting his explanation. "Alzheimer's," he said simply, and the world resumed its actions.  
  
"Oh," said Frodo softly. "It's a bitch, is it not?"  
  
"It is indeed," said the wizard sternly.  
  
"Well, Gandalf," said Frodo, trying to change the dark mood. "What brings you back to the Shire? Surely it's not to recite one line of a rhyme you can't remember!"  
  
"Indeed not."  
  
"Then, what brings you here?"  
  
"I can't remember."  
  
"Try."  
  
"Very well. It's the Thing, Frodo. The magic Thing your uncle used to carry around."  
  
Frodo's eyes widened. "Ah, Bilbo! Yes indeed, he could never take his eyes off it."  
  
"Do you know what he used to call it, Frodo?" Frodo shook his head. "He called it his Precious. But indeed it was not his Precious."  
  
"You mean it was Gollum's!"  
  
"No, Frodo. The One Thing answers to the Dark Lord Sauron, and only to Him. It has no other master. He-"  
  
"No! Not Sauron!" interrupted Frodo.  
  
"Yes, and if you interrupt me again, I'll give you to Shelob! And then-"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Ah!" beamed Gandalf, angrily. "Silence! Be quiet, fool of a Took!"  
  
"Baggins."  
  
"Enough!" he screamed, and he stood up, waving his arms in the air, angrily. After a moment, he calmed, and then sat back down. "Do you have the Thing with you, Frodo?"  
  
"Yes. It's right here in my pocket." Frodo pulled the Thing from his pocket, and held it out in his hand. He stared at it curiously, secretly admiring it. "You say this used to belong to Sauron?" He said softly. "But what is it?" He turned his eyes to Gandalf. "What is it, Gandalf?"  
  
Gandalf's eyes darkened, and he stared hard and cold at Frodo, and said, "His manhood, Frodo."  
  
Frodo's eyes widened. "You mean it's his. . .?"  
  
"Yes, Frodo!"  
  
Frodo looked hard at the Thing, noticed the mushroom head of it, and then dropped it suddenly. "Awe! For the love of Christ!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Never mind." Frodo looked at The One Thing as it lay on the floor. "It's not even circumcised!" he exclaimed.  
  
"A sign of its evil, indeed!" said Gandalf. He sighed. "Yes, Frodo. This is The One Thing, grown on the Dark Lord Sauron, in the fires of Mount Doom; taken by Isildur from the crotch of Sauron himself."  
  
"Isildur?"  
  
"Yes, son of Elendil, the great king of old. Isildur cut the Thing from Sauron's crotch and kept it. They called him, Isildur the Bobbitt."  
  
"Hobbit?"  
  
"No, Frodo. Bobbitt, as in Lorena Bobbitt of the ancient lore of Gondor." Frodo did not know the name. "You never heard the elvish song of Bobbitt?" Frodo shook his head. "Well, if I can recall, I believe it went something like this:  
  
There was a fair maiden,  
  
In silk was she laden.  
  
But let you be warned,  
  
For when you be horned,  
  
Stay away from the Bobbitt,  
  
Come close and she'll chop it.  
  
Yes, Frodo. The lady Bobbitt stole the manhood from her own husband, as Isildur from Sauron."  
  
"Beautiful song, but I don't understand why Isildur kept the Thing?"  
  
"Well, Isildur was a sick man, and he fancied things like that."  
  
"And Bilbo, too!" Frodo was nauseated.  
  
"Yes. Quite an odd hobbit."  
  
"Sleep will not come to me so easily anymore."  
  
"No," said Gandalf. "And there is more, Frodo! Sauron has returned for His Thing, for The One Thing is the source of His power. Without it, He is impotent."  
  
"But He was destroyed," said Frodo, worried. "Sauron was destroyed!"  
  
"No, Frodo. His life force is bound to the Thing, and His Thing survived. Now, He will come for it, for He needs only His Thing to cover all the lands in a second darkness. And His Thing yearns above all else to return to the crotch of its master." He paused, shut his eyes, and thought. Then he said, "Frodo, he must never find it."  
  
Frodo summoned his courage, and he spoke, though he feared to. "What must I do?"  
  
"Circumcise it."  
  
"That's it? Okay." Frodo pulled from his pocket a small knife and in one swift motion, WHOOSH, he nipped the tip. "Hm," he said. "Easy enough!"  
  
"Well done, Frodo! Now, we may relax."  
  
"Excellent! You know, I thought you were going to tell me before that the only way to destroy the spirit of Sauron was to go to Mordor and throw His Thing into the fires of Mount Doom, or something to that effect."  
  
Gandalf thought for a moment, and then said, "It would make an interesting story. And then maybe even one day someone would earn a fortune by making it into a motion picture!"  
  
"A what?"  
  
"Nothing, Frodo."  
  
The End!  
  
Author's note: Well, I hope you enjoyed my take on the Lord of the Rings! If not. . .eh. . .I don't know. . .sorry? 


End file.
